Monday, September 22, 2014

Making "peace" with XXL

Ok, so I thought I'd accepted myself a long time ago.  I'd accepted that I'd never be a size 2, or 6, or even a size 10 again.  But recently I've been trying to come to grips with the idea that I may NEVER AGAIN buy my clothes in the regular sizes of a department store; that there are plenty of brands that don't even make clothes in sizes I could ever wear.  To someone who's interested in more than decency, but who actually cares about fashion, well it's a hard blow to take.

You see, I've known I had a weight problem for a while, but I always thought it was something I could fix if I just found the key, if I ate less, exercised more.  Everyone kept telling me, it's just a matter of calories in/calories out.  And that may actually be the case, but calories out isn't as simple as all that.  Ten years of an undiagnosed under-active thyroid should have taught me that, but somehow it didn't, and as I've been tracking what I eat lately I'm beginning to recognize that I just don't burn as many calories as everyone seems to think I should.  Even with the most sedentary lifestyle every online calculator says I should be burning about 2400 calories a day, so why is it that with a diet of 1300-1500 I still weigh 192-194?

YES!  I'm giving numbers!

Not that I've always eaten as healthy as I do.  I certainly didn't count calories in college, and with an all-you-can-eat cafeteria it was no wonder I gained the freshman 15 three years running.  And even years after that I depended on the convenience of fast food for lunches and never hesitated to order that milkshake when I was out with friends.  But then my knees started to hurt, and I starded to realize that they just couldn't handle what I was making them carry, so I started to cut back to 1000, 900, eventually even 800 calories a day.  I had doctors telling me that I must be eating more than that, that I wasn't recording accurately, that I was lying to them.  Then my under-active thyroid was diagnosed, and I thought that was the key to everything.  And to some extent it was.  I certainly weigh less now than I did when we first started medicating my thyroid.  I've lost all the "baby" weight.  And I held out hope that if I just watched things close enough for long enough that I could make it back down to a 12, that magic number that would allow me to go into almost any store, find something cute, and not have to worry about whether they make it in my size.

But I'm coming to realize that just isn't so.  After months of tracking my food, eating POUNDS of cabbage, maintaining my caloric intake at a level where I should be losing at least a pound a week, I'm making no progress.  I'll get to the end of a week where I just KNOW I'll have lost weight only to find I've gained half a pound.  Oh, life's not all salad and water.  After all, what's life without the occasional Oreo, but I'm not sitting down and eating a whole package of them, and I AM counting what I eat!  1600 calories is a big day for me, 1800 is a huge splurge (not to be indulged in more than once a month or so).

To make matters worse, I MOVE.  Oh, I know I lead a mostly sedentary lifestyle.  I sit at a computer for work, and for fun.  I'm sitting at one now after all.  But I also take walks with my two-year-old, who likes to be carried everywhere, especially up our steep driveway.  I chase her around the house.  I take her swimming and to the park.  And I DON'T count exercise as a concession to allow myself to eat more.  Most days I drink nothing but water and coffee (with milk, no sugar, and I count the milk against my calories).  On the rare occasions I have juice I cut it with about 2/3 water.  I don't drink soda, not even diet.  And still I'm stalled.

I remember what I was like when I was eating 800 calories a day, and I really don't want to go there again.  I was a bitch.  I was miserable and irritable, and I said things to people that I really shouldn't have.  My husband was worried about me and I don't want to be that again.  I need to have a healthy relationship with food.  I can't go back to that compulsive relationship with food, especially if I want to teach that healthy eating to my daughter.  I don't want to be that mom that won't share a bite of her daughter's ice cream, that won't relax and enjoy the family funnel cake on the rare occasions one is available.

That's not to say that I can just let it all go and eat everything I want.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life either wired or in a sugar coma.  But I need to find a way to make peace with the idea that I will never be thin.  Not just not thin.  That I will be fat.  For the rest of my life.

This is hard.

Fat is not something I feel, though my knees tell me I am, especially when I'm going up stairs.  Fat.  It's a hard word to accept.  But it's something I need to do.  I need to make peace with fat so that I can move on to other things.

It's so easy to say, "I'm not going to work on other things in my life because right now I'm working on losing weight."  "I'm not going to buy new clothes till I reach size ..." "I'm not going to go to that audition because no one wants to see a fat person on stage."  "I'm not going to work on my bad habits, I'll work on them when I lose 50 lbs."  And yes, dispite the fact that I've lost over 50 lbs already, I do still need to loose another 50 lbs.  But I can't put life on hold until I do.

I need to be healthy.  All of me.  Not just my weight, but my sanity.  I need to work on my personality, to get out and have friends, and to accept that it's quite possible that how I am now, is how I'm going to continue to be.  That's not to say that I'm giving up, certainly I'm going to keep eating plenty of salad.  Eating breakfast.  Avoiding all-you-can-eat anything (even salad bars).  I'm going to keep trying to fix my metabolism, and keeping on the doctors to make sure my medicine is not just adequate, but optimal.  But I need to learn to be accepting of myself to.  If I don't then I hate myself, and that's not a good place to be.  I know, I've been there often enough.

But how do I learn to love who I am, not just despite my flab?  How do I learn to LOVE MY FAT?  I don't have the answer.  I'm asking.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The Wheels on the Bus

Ok, so the past month or so I've spent an ENORMOUS amount of time singing or listening to The Wheels on the Bus.  It's my daughter's favorite song.  She wants it in the car, she wants it before she goes to bed at night, and when I'm not singing it she wants to watch the innumerable versions on YouTube.  So I've been trying to compile the most complete, authoritative version possible.  So here goes.

The first thing you need to decide when singing the song is: "All day long" or "All around the town"?  My daughter likes to say "town" so we go with that one most of the time, though if I'm trying to calm her down I sing very softly and to with "all day long."  So here's what we sing, repeatedly, every day.

The wheels on the bus go round and round,
round and round, round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
all around the town.

(She likes to jump up and down on this verse, so again we skip it if I'm trying to calm her down before bed)
The people on the bus go up and down,
up and down, up and down.
The people on the bus go up and down,
all around the town.

The people in the town get on and off,
on and off, on and off.
The people in the town get on and off,
all around the town.

The doors on the bus go open and closed,
open and closed, open and closed.
The doors on the bus go open and closed,
all around the town.

The money on the bus goes clink clink clink,
clink clink clink, clink clink clink.
The money on the bus goes clink clink clink,
all around the town.
(Cause the driver's not gonna start driving until he gets paid, right?)

The engine on the bus goes vroom vroom vroom,
vroom vroom vroom, vroom vroom vroom,
The engine on the bus goes vroom vroom vroom,
all around the town.

The driver on the bus says "Move on back,"
"Move on back," "Move on back."
The driver on the bus says "Move on back,"
all around the town.
(Cause yeah, the people who are still standing are gonna be stumbling if they're not holding onto something when the engine goes vroom.)

The horn on the bus goes beep beep beep,
beep beep beep, beep beep beep.
The horn on the bus goes beep beep beep,
all around the town. 
(I figure that'll startle the baby.)

The baby on the bus says "wah wah wah,"
"wah wah wah," "wah wah wah."
The baby on the bus says "wah wah wah,"
all around the town.

The mommy on the bus says "Shh shh shh,"
"Shh shh shh," "Shh shh shh."
The mommy on the bus says "Shh shh shh,"
all around the town.
(There are a lot of versions that have the mommies and/or daddies saying "I love you." and mashed together in one verse, but I thought they should each have their own verses.)

The wipers on the bus go swish swish swish,
swish swish swish, swish swish swish.
The wipers on the bus go swish swish swish,
all around the town.
(My daughter really loves this verse, and when she swishes both her hands and her butt swish back and forth.)

The dog on the bus goes bow wow wow,
bow wow wow, bow wow wow.
The dog on the bus goes bow wow wow,
all around the town.
(I am fully aware that it is likely the only dogs allowed on the bus would be service dogs, and they're unlikely to bark, but this verse shows up in so many versions, and my daughter likes dogs so we leave it in there.)

The children on the bus say "yeah yeah yeah,"
"yeah yeah yeah," "yeah yeah yeah."
The children on the bus say "yeah yeah yeah,"
all around the town.
(When my daughter is having fun bouncing or rocking on something she often says yeah, yeah, yeah with each bounce or rock.  That's the idea behind this verse.)

The daddies on the bus say "I love you,"
"I love you," "I love you."
The daddies on the bus say "I love you,"
all around the town.

(I thought with all THAT going on it was about time we had someone get off!)
The bell on the bus goes ding ding ding,
ding ding ding, ding ding ding.
The bell on the bus goes ding ding ding,
all around the town.

(I've only heard this verse as daddies reading their papers, but I have them saying "I love you."  I believe in involved parenting.  And my experience in parenting is that we don't have time to read papers anymore.)
The commuters on the bus, they read their papers,
read their papers, read their papers.
The commuters on the bus, they read their papers,
all around the town.

(I originally heard this verse as people chatting, but I have people going up and down.  I try not to repeat the subject.)
The ladies on the bus go chat chat chat,
chat chat chat, chat chat chat.
The ladies on the bus go chat chat chat,
all around the town.

(Time for the bus to pull over.)
The signal on the bus goes blink blink blink,
blink blink blink, blink blink blink,
The signal on the bus goes blink blink blink,
all around the town.

The gas on the bus goes glug glug glug,
glug glug glug, glug glug glug,
The gas on the bus goes glug glug glug,
all around the town.

The antennae on the bus goes back and forth,
back and forth, back and forth,
The antennae on the bus goes back and forth,
all around the town.

The wheels on the bus go round and round,
round and round, round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
all around the town.

(I sing this one much slower when I'm putting her to bed at night.  I got this verse from http://www.singinghands.co.uk/, one of the better versions out there.  They're also the only ones I've seen who have someone on the bus reading a paper.)
And then at night the bus goes to sleep,
the bus goes to sleep, the bus goes to sleep.
And then at night the bus goes to sleep,
all night long.

I've really put way to much thought into this.  I feel like my brain is oozing out my ear, course that could be lack of sleep.  Did I miss any verses?

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Crafting for Critters

Ok, so I haven't updated in a LONG time.  I'm SO sorry.  Lately I've found myself making things with my hands, and that's been my creative outlet more than writing.  I'm not going to turn this into a craft blog, but I thought a few of my new designs might be interesting so I'm going to share them anyway.

The first distraction I ran into a few months back was a cat peeing outside the litterbox, we're talking multiple times a day.  It was horrible.  I have two 11 year old cats, both rescues, and it didn't take long for us to figure out that one of them (the female oddly enough) stands up to pee, which means that any standard litterbox she's gonna pee over the side.  I don't know why she stands up to pee.  She ruined a couple of automatic litterboxes by peeing on the motor before we figured out what was going on and switched to a top entry litterbox.  That worked pretty well with only a few accidents for several years, but then she developed an affinity for peeing on bath mats.  After a few years in a mat free house she branched out to rugs, the floor under the rocking chair, piles of clean laundry, and most of all the laundry room floor  There were times when I was mopping the laundry room floor three times a day!

I tried a variety of different cat litters, keeping everything off the floor, even removing the mat under their food, and nothing worked!  Then I read an article that said that as cats age the top entry litterboxes can get harder for them to use.  Jumping out of the litter causes wear on their hips.  So I started looking for another litterbox.

I needed something with high sides for my cat who pees standing up, but it couldn't have gaps or open seams where the hood and litterbox joined.  I searched EVERYWHERE without finding anything that would work for a high peeing cat, and then a friend pointed me to www.catinfo.org, a website run by a veterinarian that covers a variety of cat related topics.  She had posted a litterbox design for a box that you could make yourself.  It wasn't specifically for a cat that pees standing up, but I found that with a couple of adjustments and a higher cut door it would work pretty well.  And best of all, I made it from a storage bin that I got from Target for $8.99, a far cry from the $40 that I'd spent on my previous litterbox.

So, if you're in the market for a litterbox, here's what you need to know!

Litterbox design
I got the idea for this litterbox from www.catinfo.org which has a lot of fabulous information on cats, but I modified Dr. Pierson’s design a bit to fit my high peeing cat’s needs.
What you need 


  • 30 gallon or similar size storage bin, you don’t need the lid – The one I got was this Sterilite tote for $8.99 at Target : http://www.target.com/p/sterilite-grey-stackable-plastic-tote-with-lid-30-gal/-/A-13796226#prodSlot=medium_1_60&term=Sterilite 
  • Yard stick or tape measure
  • Something to cut with – The website (www.catinfo.org) suggests a utility knife, but I didn’t have one, so I used a saw for the main cuts, and some heavy duty kitchen shears to clean up the edges.
  • Sandpaper – to smooth out the edges, you don’t want your cat getting scratched or caught on the sides

Measure several times (and hopefully you’ll only cut once)

1.   On the long side of the box measure up from the bottom 8-10 inches and make a mark. Dr. Pierson suggests 8 inches, but I found my cat peed right over that, so I’m going with 10 inches. The door can be adjusted up/down a little with this litterbox design.
2.   Measure the width of your widest cat, that’s the width I used for the bottom of my door (about 6 inches for my cats). Again, Dr. Pierson suggests 8 inches, but I’m trying to make the bottom of the door as narrow as possible so that my cat won’t pee out the door, but I still want it to be comfortable for my cats.
3.   At you’re 8-10 inch height mark, make a horizontal line the width you want for the bottom of the door (the width of your cat). You want this line centered on the long side of the storage bin.
4.   Centered on the top of the box measure out the width for the top of the door. This needs to be at least two inches wider than the bottom of the door to make the door height adjustable. You want to allow plenty of whisker room for your cats going in and out of the box. I went with an eight inch top to go with my 6 inch bottom, but if you have bigger cats you could go with 10-12 inches easily.
5.   Draw a straight line down from the ends of the top of the door to the ends of the bottom of the door. These should be angled in an open V shape.

Here you can see from my rough cuts what you’re trying to do.
6.   Cut down the sides, be sure you’re cutting at an angle along your line, and then across the bottom. I used a saw for the down cuts, and kitchen shears across the bottom.
7.   Use kitchen shears to snip off any big jagged edges, and sandpaper to smooth them out even more.

Adding the adjustable height door
You could just leave it like this, but I like to use the insert I’ve cut out to give the bottom of the door a rolled edge. It makes things smoother for my kitty’s belly if it drags on the edge. Using the insert also allows you some adjustment of the door height in case you don’t get the perfect height.

1.   Position the piece you cut out from the door so that you’re looking at it top down, and the edge that rolls out from the top of the box is toward you. On the side away from you at the very top (this will be at the corner where the side meets the top, make slits 1-1.5 inches in on each side.
(see picture)

2. Slide your insert over your door so that the wall of the insert is inside the litterbox (this will insure that if the cat pees and hits the insert it is channeled into the litterbox) and the rolled edge covers the cut edge at the bottom of the door. The inside of the insert should lie flush with the inside of the litterbox.

The drawback of using the storage container that I used is that it has a ridge running around the side several inches down. I have to keep the insert below that ridge in order for it to lie flush with the side of the litterbox, but I can use the insert to adjust my door height up to the ridge and down as far as I cut.

Here you can see my old litterbox (approx $40) and my new litterbox (approx $9) side by side.
Since I've started using my new litterbox accidents have been ALMOST eliminated.  I keep the door insert raised as high as I can keep it, just below the ridge that runs around the inside of my storage container, and at that height even my high peeing cat doesn't pee over the side, but occasionally it gets knocked down a little lower and she manages to pee out a corner of the door.  But that's a rare occurrence, and moping the laundry room floor once a month is WORLDS better than three times a day!