Saturday, July 23, 2011

I'm beginning to itentify with Job

Ok, so my house hasn't collapsed, it's just the air conditioning gone out in the middle of what I read a few days ago is a "Deadly Heat Wave" gripping half the United States.  And my children aren't all dead, it's just that I can't seem to have any in the first place.  I haven't broken out in boils and sores, it's just a doozy of a UTI on the tail end of a week of rumbling tummy trouble that ranged from Full Stop to Go, Go, Go!  But compound this on top of more than normal stresses at work, more bad news from the fertility clinic, and more frustrations ranging from a breast cancer scare (nope, it's just a cyst, everything's fine) to a guy who can't seem to decide whether he wants to sell us the car that we said we would buy MONTHS ago, and I'm wondering just exactly how much more of this we can take.

Ok, so my husband hasn't told me to "curse God and die" for which I am always thankful, but when it comes to breaking points, well, I'm way past where I thought mine would be.  Instead we lie naked in bed (it's to hot for clothes) and thank God for ceiling fans, even if the one in our bedroom has this weird tendency to cut off in the middle of the night.  We thank Him for sustaining us thus far, and pray that he will help us through whatever comes next.  Oh, and we cry, a lot, and do our best to comfort each other because we both know that God knew what he was doing when he put us together and that there's no way we would make it through this without each other.  And then there's the yelling, crying out to the universe.


If God's got a bet on with the Devil about what it'll take to break me, then I don't want to let Him down.  But I kinda wish he'd go pick someone else to bet on and let me have some time to recover from all this... stuff.  Surely work doesn't have to make both me and my husband miserable at the same time.  Surely God can heal our bodies or thyroid and hormonal issues and whatever else is making it impossible for us to have children and loose weight.  I eat really healthy, a low calorie but balanced diet with lots of leafy greens, and I started working out 3-4 times a week over a month ago.  I shouldn't be GAINING weight.  But combine PCOS with an under active thyroid (which I was doing a really good job of controlling before all these fertility treatments) and you get twenty more pounds of me since January.

I really didn't start this diet and exercise plan thinking that it would result in me only gaining a pound and a half in the last month, and now I need to go out and buy all new jeans.  I mean, I like shopping as much as the next girl, but in general I just want my clothes to fit!  And I'd really prefer a new pair of earrings to shopping for a new air conditioning unit.