Monday, September 22, 2014

Making "peace" with XXL

Ok, so I thought I'd accepted myself a long time ago.  I'd accepted that I'd never be a size 2, or 6, or even a size 10 again.  But recently I've been trying to come to grips with the idea that I may NEVER AGAIN buy my clothes in the regular sizes of a department store; that there are plenty of brands that don't even make clothes in sizes I could ever wear.  To someone who's interested in more than decency, but who actually cares about fashion, well it's a hard blow to take.

You see, I've known I had a weight problem for a while, but I always thought it was something I could fix if I just found the key, if I ate less, exercised more.  Everyone kept telling me, it's just a matter of calories in/calories out.  And that may actually be the case, but calories out isn't as simple as all that.  Ten years of an undiagnosed under-active thyroid should have taught me that, but somehow it didn't, and as I've been tracking what I eat lately I'm beginning to recognize that I just don't burn as many calories as everyone seems to think I should.  Even with the most sedentary lifestyle every online calculator says I should be burning about 2400 calories a day, so why is it that with a diet of 1300-1500 I still weigh 192-194?

YES!  I'm giving numbers!

Not that I've always eaten as healthy as I do.  I certainly didn't count calories in college, and with an all-you-can-eat cafeteria it was no wonder I gained the freshman 15 three years running.  And even years after that I depended on the convenience of fast food for lunches and never hesitated to order that milkshake when I was out with friends.  But then my knees started to hurt, and I starded to realize that they just couldn't handle what I was making them carry, so I started to cut back to 1000, 900, eventually even 800 calories a day.  I had doctors telling me that I must be eating more than that, that I wasn't recording accurately, that I was lying to them.  Then my under-active thyroid was diagnosed, and I thought that was the key to everything.  And to some extent it was.  I certainly weigh less now than I did when we first started medicating my thyroid.  I've lost all the "baby" weight.  And I held out hope that if I just watched things close enough for long enough that I could make it back down to a 12, that magic number that would allow me to go into almost any store, find something cute, and not have to worry about whether they make it in my size.

But I'm coming to realize that just isn't so.  After months of tracking my food, eating POUNDS of cabbage, maintaining my caloric intake at a level where I should be losing at least a pound a week, I'm making no progress.  I'll get to the end of a week where I just KNOW I'll have lost weight only to find I've gained half a pound.  Oh, life's not all salad and water.  After all, what's life without the occasional Oreo, but I'm not sitting down and eating a whole package of them, and I AM counting what I eat!  1600 calories is a big day for me, 1800 is a huge splurge (not to be indulged in more than once a month or so).

To make matters worse, I MOVE.  Oh, I know I lead a mostly sedentary lifestyle.  I sit at a computer for work, and for fun.  I'm sitting at one now after all.  But I also take walks with my two-year-old, who likes to be carried everywhere, especially up our steep driveway.  I chase her around the house.  I take her swimming and to the park.  And I DON'T count exercise as a concession to allow myself to eat more.  Most days I drink nothing but water and coffee (with milk, no sugar, and I count the milk against my calories).  On the rare occasions I have juice I cut it with about 2/3 water.  I don't drink soda, not even diet.  And still I'm stalled.

I remember what I was like when I was eating 800 calories a day, and I really don't want to go there again.  I was a bitch.  I was miserable and irritable, and I said things to people that I really shouldn't have.  My husband was worried about me and I don't want to be that again.  I need to have a healthy relationship with food.  I can't go back to that compulsive relationship with food, especially if I want to teach that healthy eating to my daughter.  I don't want to be that mom that won't share a bite of her daughter's ice cream, that won't relax and enjoy the family funnel cake on the rare occasions one is available.

That's not to say that I can just let it all go and eat everything I want.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life either wired or in a sugar coma.  But I need to find a way to make peace with the idea that I will never be thin.  Not just not thin.  That I will be fat.  For the rest of my life.

This is hard.

Fat is not something I feel, though my knees tell me I am, especially when I'm going up stairs.  Fat.  It's a hard word to accept.  But it's something I need to do.  I need to make peace with fat so that I can move on to other things.

It's so easy to say, "I'm not going to work on other things in my life because right now I'm working on losing weight."  "I'm not going to buy new clothes till I reach size ..." "I'm not going to go to that audition because no one wants to see a fat person on stage."  "I'm not going to work on my bad habits, I'll work on them when I lose 50 lbs."  And yes, dispite the fact that I've lost over 50 lbs already, I do still need to loose another 50 lbs.  But I can't put life on hold until I do.

I need to be healthy.  All of me.  Not just my weight, but my sanity.  I need to work on my personality, to get out and have friends, and to accept that it's quite possible that how I am now, is how I'm going to continue to be.  That's not to say that I'm giving up, certainly I'm going to keep eating plenty of salad.  Eating breakfast.  Avoiding all-you-can-eat anything (even salad bars).  I'm going to keep trying to fix my metabolism, and keeping on the doctors to make sure my medicine is not just adequate, but optimal.  But I need to learn to be accepting of myself to.  If I don't then I hate myself, and that's not a good place to be.  I know, I've been there often enough.

But how do I learn to love who I am, not just despite my flab?  How do I learn to LOVE MY FAT?  I don't have the answer.  I'm asking.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The Wheels on the Bus

Ok, so the past month or so I've spent an ENORMOUS amount of time singing or listening to The Wheels on the Bus.  It's my daughter's favorite song.  She wants it in the car, she wants it before she goes to bed at night, and when I'm not singing it she wants to watch the innumerable versions on YouTube.  So I've been trying to compile the most complete, authoritative version possible.  So here goes.

The first thing you need to decide when singing the song is: "All day long" or "All around the town"?  My daughter likes to say "town" so we go with that one most of the time, though if I'm trying to calm her down I sing very softly and to with "all day long."  So here's what we sing, repeatedly, every day.

The wheels on the bus go round and round,
round and round, round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
all around the town.

(She likes to jump up and down on this verse, so again we skip it if I'm trying to calm her down before bed)
The people on the bus go up and down,
up and down, up and down.
The people on the bus go up and down,
all around the town.

The people in the town get on and off,
on and off, on and off.
The people in the town get on and off,
all around the town.

The doors on the bus go open and closed,
open and closed, open and closed.
The doors on the bus go open and closed,
all around the town.

The money on the bus goes clink clink clink,
clink clink clink, clink clink clink.
The money on the bus goes clink clink clink,
all around the town.
(Cause the driver's not gonna start driving until he gets paid, right?)

The engine on the bus goes vroom vroom vroom,
vroom vroom vroom, vroom vroom vroom,
The engine on the bus goes vroom vroom vroom,
all around the town.

The driver on the bus says "Move on back,"
"Move on back," "Move on back."
The driver on the bus says "Move on back,"
all around the town.
(Cause yeah, the people who are still standing are gonna be stumbling if they're not holding onto something when the engine goes vroom.)

The horn on the bus goes beep beep beep,
beep beep beep, beep beep beep.
The horn on the bus goes beep beep beep,
all around the town. 
(I figure that'll startle the baby.)

The baby on the bus says "wah wah wah,"
"wah wah wah," "wah wah wah."
The baby on the bus says "wah wah wah,"
all around the town.

The mommy on the bus says "Shh shh shh,"
"Shh shh shh," "Shh shh shh."
The mommy on the bus says "Shh shh shh,"
all around the town.
(There are a lot of versions that have the mommies and/or daddies saying "I love you." and mashed together in one verse, but I thought they should each have their own verses.)

The wipers on the bus go swish swish swish,
swish swish swish, swish swish swish.
The wipers on the bus go swish swish swish,
all around the town.
(My daughter really loves this verse, and when she swishes both her hands and her butt swish back and forth.)

The dog on the bus goes bow wow wow,
bow wow wow, bow wow wow.
The dog on the bus goes bow wow wow,
all around the town.
(I am fully aware that it is likely the only dogs allowed on the bus would be service dogs, and they're unlikely to bark, but this verse shows up in so many versions, and my daughter likes dogs so we leave it in there.)

The children on the bus say "yeah yeah yeah,"
"yeah yeah yeah," "yeah yeah yeah."
The children on the bus say "yeah yeah yeah,"
all around the town.
(When my daughter is having fun bouncing or rocking on something she often says yeah, yeah, yeah with each bounce or rock.  That's the idea behind this verse.)

The daddies on the bus say "I love you,"
"I love you," "I love you."
The daddies on the bus say "I love you,"
all around the town.

(I thought with all THAT going on it was about time we had someone get off!)
The bell on the bus goes ding ding ding,
ding ding ding, ding ding ding.
The bell on the bus goes ding ding ding,
all around the town.

(I've only heard this verse as daddies reading their papers, but I have them saying "I love you."  I believe in involved parenting.  And my experience in parenting is that we don't have time to read papers anymore.)
The commuters on the bus, they read their papers,
read their papers, read their papers.
The commuters on the bus, they read their papers,
all around the town.

(I originally heard this verse as people chatting, but I have people going up and down.  I try not to repeat the subject.)
The ladies on the bus go chat chat chat,
chat chat chat, chat chat chat.
The ladies on the bus go chat chat chat,
all around the town.

(Time for the bus to pull over.)
The signal on the bus goes blink blink blink,
blink blink blink, blink blink blink,
The signal on the bus goes blink blink blink,
all around the town.

The gas on the bus goes glug glug glug,
glug glug glug, glug glug glug,
The gas on the bus goes glug glug glug,
all around the town.

The antennae on the bus goes back and forth,
back and forth, back and forth,
The antennae on the bus goes back and forth,
all around the town.

The wheels on the bus go round and round,
round and round, round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
all around the town.

(I sing this one much slower when I'm putting her to bed at night.  I got this verse from http://www.singinghands.co.uk/, one of the better versions out there.  They're also the only ones I've seen who have someone on the bus reading a paper.)
And then at night the bus goes to sleep,
the bus goes to sleep, the bus goes to sleep.
And then at night the bus goes to sleep,
all night long.

I've really put way to much thought into this.  I feel like my brain is oozing out my ear, course that could be lack of sleep.  Did I miss any verses?

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Crafting for Critters

Ok, so I haven't updated in a LONG time.  I'm SO sorry.  Lately I've found myself making things with my hands, and that's been my creative outlet more than writing.  I'm not going to turn this into a craft blog, but I thought a few of my new designs might be interesting so I'm going to share them anyway.

The first distraction I ran into a few months back was a cat peeing outside the litterbox, we're talking multiple times a day.  It was horrible.  I have two 11 year old cats, both rescues, and it didn't take long for us to figure out that one of them (the female oddly enough) stands up to pee, which means that any standard litterbox she's gonna pee over the side.  I don't know why she stands up to pee.  She ruined a couple of automatic litterboxes by peeing on the motor before we figured out what was going on and switched to a top entry litterbox.  That worked pretty well with only a few accidents for several years, but then she developed an affinity for peeing on bath mats.  After a few years in a mat free house she branched out to rugs, the floor under the rocking chair, piles of clean laundry, and most of all the laundry room floor  There were times when I was mopping the laundry room floor three times a day!

I tried a variety of different cat litters, keeping everything off the floor, even removing the mat under their food, and nothing worked!  Then I read an article that said that as cats age the top entry litterboxes can get harder for them to use.  Jumping out of the litter causes wear on their hips.  So I started looking for another litterbox.

I needed something with high sides for my cat who pees standing up, but it couldn't have gaps or open seams where the hood and litterbox joined.  I searched EVERYWHERE without finding anything that would work for a high peeing cat, and then a friend pointed me to www.catinfo.org, a website run by a veterinarian that covers a variety of cat related topics.  She had posted a litterbox design for a box that you could make yourself.  It wasn't specifically for a cat that pees standing up, but I found that with a couple of adjustments and a higher cut door it would work pretty well.  And best of all, I made it from a storage bin that I got from Target for $8.99, a far cry from the $40 that I'd spent on my previous litterbox.

So, if you're in the market for a litterbox, here's what you need to know!

Litterbox design
I got the idea for this litterbox from www.catinfo.org which has a lot of fabulous information on cats, but I modified Dr. Pierson’s design a bit to fit my high peeing cat’s needs.
What you need 


  • 30 gallon or similar size storage bin, you don’t need the lid – The one I got was this Sterilite tote for $8.99 at Target : http://www.target.com/p/sterilite-grey-stackable-plastic-tote-with-lid-30-gal/-/A-13796226#prodSlot=medium_1_60&term=Sterilite 
  • Yard stick or tape measure
  • Something to cut with – The website (www.catinfo.org) suggests a utility knife, but I didn’t have one, so I used a saw for the main cuts, and some heavy duty kitchen shears to clean up the edges.
  • Sandpaper – to smooth out the edges, you don’t want your cat getting scratched or caught on the sides

Measure several times (and hopefully you’ll only cut once)

1.   On the long side of the box measure up from the bottom 8-10 inches and make a mark. Dr. Pierson suggests 8 inches, but I found my cat peed right over that, so I’m going with 10 inches. The door can be adjusted up/down a little with this litterbox design.
2.   Measure the width of your widest cat, that’s the width I used for the bottom of my door (about 6 inches for my cats). Again, Dr. Pierson suggests 8 inches, but I’m trying to make the bottom of the door as narrow as possible so that my cat won’t pee out the door, but I still want it to be comfortable for my cats.
3.   At you’re 8-10 inch height mark, make a horizontal line the width you want for the bottom of the door (the width of your cat). You want this line centered on the long side of the storage bin.
4.   Centered on the top of the box measure out the width for the top of the door. This needs to be at least two inches wider than the bottom of the door to make the door height adjustable. You want to allow plenty of whisker room for your cats going in and out of the box. I went with an eight inch top to go with my 6 inch bottom, but if you have bigger cats you could go with 10-12 inches easily.
5.   Draw a straight line down from the ends of the top of the door to the ends of the bottom of the door. These should be angled in an open V shape.

Here you can see from my rough cuts what you’re trying to do.
6.   Cut down the sides, be sure you’re cutting at an angle along your line, and then across the bottom. I used a saw for the down cuts, and kitchen shears across the bottom.
7.   Use kitchen shears to snip off any big jagged edges, and sandpaper to smooth them out even more.

Adding the adjustable height door
You could just leave it like this, but I like to use the insert I’ve cut out to give the bottom of the door a rolled edge. It makes things smoother for my kitty’s belly if it drags on the edge. Using the insert also allows you some adjustment of the door height in case you don’t get the perfect height.

1.   Position the piece you cut out from the door so that you’re looking at it top down, and the edge that rolls out from the top of the box is toward you. On the side away from you at the very top (this will be at the corner where the side meets the top, make slits 1-1.5 inches in on each side.
(see picture)

2. Slide your insert over your door so that the wall of the insert is inside the litterbox (this will insure that if the cat pees and hits the insert it is channeled into the litterbox) and the rolled edge covers the cut edge at the bottom of the door. The inside of the insert should lie flush with the inside of the litterbox.

The drawback of using the storage container that I used is that it has a ridge running around the side several inches down. I have to keep the insert below that ridge in order for it to lie flush with the side of the litterbox, but I can use the insert to adjust my door height up to the ridge and down as far as I cut.

Here you can see my old litterbox (approx $40) and my new litterbox (approx $9) side by side.
Since I've started using my new litterbox accidents have been ALMOST eliminated.  I keep the door insert raised as high as I can keep it, just below the ridge that runs around the inside of my storage container, and at that height even my high peeing cat doesn't pee over the side, but occasionally it gets knocked down a little lower and she manages to pee out a corner of the door.  But that's a rare occurrence, and moping the laundry room floor once a month is WORLDS better than three times a day!

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Self-medicating

Although I was diagnosed as having ADD more than ten years ago, I never tried Ritalin or any other ADD medication until recently.  However as a read and learn more about the treatment of ADD I wonder if I've self-medicated for years, or if some unusual reactions to other medications had a lot to do with my ADD.

I have terrible allergies, though they're much better after nearly ten years of allergy shots.  I spent much of my first 10 years sick with some sinus issue or another, and as a result I've taken a LOT of Sudafed over the years.  Over that time I've heard lots of stories about Sudafed making kids hyper or buzzed, but I never experienced that.  Instead I would take Sudafed and almost always fall asleep.  I remember taking it before church and falling asleep in my mom's lap in the pew.  It's a good thing I don't snore!

It's only recently occurred to me that if ADD is treated with stimulants then it's possible that other substances that have a stimulating effect could also be used to calm or focus a person with ADD.  All the books mention self-medication with controlled substances, marijuana and heroin being the most common, but I look back at my history and see another type of self medication.

When I was very young I ate huge quantities of sugar.  This was a most common occurrence on road trips with my family.  We'd head south to visit family and at the first gas station I'd get out and spend every penny I had on various types of candy and consume them in the car.  Halloween candy rarely lasted more than a few days.  We'd go to restaurants and I'd sit quietly and eat sugar packets.  I ate ice cream topped with Nes-Quick (almost pure sugar on top of more sugar).  Seriously, it's a wonder my teeth survived!

With all this sugar consumption you'd think I'd be bouncing off the walls, but when I asked my mom about it she said she never noticed me to be particularly hyper.  I never seemed to have trouble sitting still in restaurants or in the car.  And she said it didn't worry her so long as I ate a variety of healthy REAL food as well.  So what was I doing with all that raw energy?

By the time I was in college I'd replaced sugar with coffee.  I'd go to Waffle House at 1:00 in the morning, drink six cups of coffee, then go back to my dorm and fall right asleep.  At the time I thought I just had THAT much tolerance for caffeine, but looking back now I wonder.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

She was the best of friends, she was the worst of friends...

I've been thinking a lot lately about how blessed I am to have friends who have stuck with me.  There are times when ADD makes me a GREAT friend, but there are lots of times when ADD makes me... Wait, what were you saying?

I was comparing notes with one of my work friends the other day who also has ADD, and we were surprised at how our relationships have been so similarly impacted by ADD.  You see, ADD thrives on drama.  We make great friends with anyone who's life is falling apart.  We NEED to be needed, and so we find ourselves giving and giving and giving to needy friends.  Unfortunately there are only two ways for that to end.  Either we give and give at an unsustainable rate until WE'RE the ones falling apart, or our friends get their stuff together and don't need us anymore (so we don't see them for months on end).

That's not to say that I don't have good friends who DO have their lives together, but without the drama I fall out of touch with them very easily.  And it's a real shame, because I really do enjoy spending time with my friends.  For example, I recieved some VERY cute baby pictures from a friend recently, I hadn't even realized she was pregnant.  That's how long it had been since we'd been in touch, and I feel really bad because when I had my baby she and her husband were there for me, brought us dinner, and just wonderful to be around.  It's not uncommon for me to go months without talking to a friend, then when we do get together we see each other several times, spend a lot of time together, and then fall apart for more months at a time.

The ADD brain thrives on stimulation, unfortunately arguments are often more stimulating than when everyone gets along.  I look back and see friendships that I have lost simply because I couldn't stop myself from arguing with my friends.  It's never something I recognized at the time, but in retrospect I can see how I've acted like a real know-it-all, and sometimes I've down-right attacked my friends on what really should have been small differing opinions.  Heck, I think I've actually built some friendships on a basis of argumentativeness, a shaky foundation for a friendship if I ever saw one.

I fall in and out of friendships very easily.  I'll meet someone for two days on vacation, and know more about them than someone I've known for years, but I'll just as easily never see them again after we go our separate ways.  Oh, we'll trade addresses, and I'll have every intention of keeping in touch, but somehow it never happens.  It's not that I don't want to, or even that I don't think of them, I do, and often, but to actually reach out and correspond never seems to happen.

It's something I feel bad about as I look back over the years.  All these wonderful people that I have met and formed what could have been wonderful friendships with, all the lost opportunities.  As I read about ADD, what makes us tick and what we should do to make the best of our crazy brains, I read over and over that maintaining close personal relationships are so important.  I try to maintain healthy relationships, but the ones that receive the most attention are the needy codependent ones.  The very thing that I'm supposed to be doing, is so hard to do.

It leaves me very lonely sometimes, but I'm so thankful for the friends that have stuck with me through the years, through the "debates" and the long silences.  So to all my friends out there, thanks for sticking with me.  I'm sorry I don't keep in touch.  I'll try to do better.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Give me something to believe in!

I've written on this blog before about how ADD can actually make me BETTER at my job, but I've been thinking a lot lately on what makes a job better for me.  I've realized that whatever the task, if I don't see it's intrinsic worth or really believe in the people I'm working for then it won't be able to hold my attention.  At all.  This doesn't just apply to work, but to all aspects of my life.

I first noticed this when I was a music major at Shorter, though I'm sure that's not the first time it actually applied.  At the time I was trying to learn to sing various Italian arias selected by my voice teacher, and I just couldn't do it.  I didn't see the point in singing about some sun god.  The song had no meaning for me, it didn't apply to my life, and the idea of singing about a sun god went against everything I believed in.  I didn't understand it.  I love music, I thought in all forms.  I'd worked hard on music in various forms from piano to church choir from the time I was very little, so to be assigned a piece of such drivel seemed completely foreign to me.  It wasn't the language that troubled me, after all I'd sung in Italian, Latin, German, even Swahili.  And even though I've never been good at spoken languages, singing in them has never been a problem.  But the content, I was used to church music, music I could believe in.  This content didn't resonate with me, at all, it was against everything I believed in, and I was awful at it.

I've found this applies to other areas of my life as well.  My first job out of college was working for a software company co-founded by my best friend.  I didn't understand the software we were working on, or really even understand the need for it, at all.  But I believed in him, and so I learned to believe in the product.  I was able to QA and later support that product because I saw it's applications.  Oh, I knew it wasn't going to solve world hunger or anything, but I also saw that for what it did, it was a very good solution.  It didn't matter that I didn't know the product, I believed in the people behind it and so was able to learn to believe in the product.

Fast forward a few years and I worked on a product that was really quite simple and easy to use.  It did what it was supposed to, and with a little guidance most customers just got it, which was a good thing, because I had to force myself to support it.  You see, I've found that when I don't believe in the people behind a product then it's really hard for me to trust the product as well.  I trusted the people behind that first product.  I knew that when I found a bug, it would be fixed.  I knew that when a customer had a need, it would be met if at all possible.  But when I didn't trust my backup, every little hiccup became an insurmountable obstacle.

That's how it is with ADD.  It's not a lack of attention, it's a lack of regulation of attention.  If you feel something is unworthy of your time (and time is a big deal in ADD, more on that later) then it's incredibly difficult to get it to hold your attention, and if you can force yourself to do it, then it's even harder to do it well.  On the other hand, if you have a personal interest in it, then it's much easier to believe in what you're doing.

That personal interest is key for folks with ADD.  For years I kept hearing folks tell me how to go about weight loss.  They'd repeatedly tell me, "You have to do this for yourself, you can't let anyone else be your motivation."  That's exactly the WRONG way for the person with ADD to go about things.

You see, after years of difficulties and failures, almost all ADD adults have trouble with self worth.  We don't think we're worthy of being taken care of.  So to tell us to do something for our selves is pointless.  Instead you have to point out how taking care of ourselves benefits those we love.  I spent years struggling with my weight, and it wasn't until I realized the impact my being overweight would have on my daughter that I was able to lose 50 lbs in a year (now if I can just do that next year).  I can try all I want on my own, but it really doesn't do me any good.  I have to do things to help the ones I love, and only then am I motivated to help myself.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I'd love to have a career, now if only I could pick one

When you talk about ADD, the first thing I ever hear about is how it affects school, and I know it affected my school career, probably from day one.  Prior to school I didn't know I had a problem.  I wasn't hyper, and I didn't have discipline issues at home or in church, and there wasn't really that much expected of me.  So I think it caught my parents by surprise when I had trouble in school right off the bat.  And since I'd had no trouble prior to school, when I found out that I had ADD almost at the end of my scholastic career, I mistakenly thought, "Well, if I can just make it through this last semester or two it won't really matter anymore, and I've coped this far so I'm sure I can cope a bit longer."

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  My post-school career was affected by my ADD LONG before I was out of school.  You see, for some reason there's this silly practice of picking a major in college, and by picking a major you set your post-school career in motion.  It took me eight years from start to finish to make it through college, not because I couldn't do the work (though I'm sure ADD slowed me some) but because I kept switching majors.  I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with my life.  Did I want to teach biology or music?  Or would music performance be a better option, and if so voice or piano or some combination of the two?  Opera? Pop? Christain? Popera?  Or maybe I'd be a better painter?  Would I work better with oils or watercolors?  These are the questions I asked myself over and over.  I couldn't maintain an interest in one thing for a full week, much less long enough to achieve a degree.

So finally I dropped out of school.  Over the course of one year I worked 4 jobs, and then the next year I combined a fifth job with music performance on the side.  Even once I went back to school my goal was less about finding a major that suited me, than finding one that I could just get THROUGH!  It was during this time that my brothers testing for ADD led my mother to recognize that I had it, and while I didn't disagree with her assessment, I also figured I was so close to being DONE that didn't really bother to learn more or do anything about it.  After all, I figured once I was done with school it couldn't cause me any more problems.

I couldn't have been more wrong.  The longer I observe myself in daily life, and the more I learn about ADD, the more I am recognizing how it affects every aspect of my life.  Even now, almost exactly eight years after I left school, I wonder almost every day what I should REALLY be doing with my life.  What do I want to be when I grow up?  Oh, I have a job, one I've written about on this blog before, that is pretty well suited to my ADD.  I do it pretty well, or at least people keep paying me to do it, but none of my diverse interests have died down.  I still have bursts of interest in fashion design, music, various branches of science, oh, or maybe I should be a writer, but what genre to write?  SciFi?  Fantasy?  Romance?  or maybe not even fiction at all?

The longer I'm in the workplace the more I know that no matter what I do, I need diversity.  I can't do the same thing day in and day out.  I've found that I don't get that at larger companies.  The larger the company, the more specialized the position, and as a company grows and my niche becomes more well defined the more it chafes.  That happened at my last job.  I started out trying to write doc, help with QA, and support customers, but as the customer base grew so did the support related tasks, and eventually all other work was squeezed out.  So I'm switching to a smaller company again, one where I get to have a finger in every pie.

With fewer people comes more responsibility as well, and there's a part of me that wonders whether this is the real reason I'm changing.  You see, it's very stimulating to know that the buck stops with me.  And with ADD it's the stimulation that counts.  I know that in a small company I can't just pass all my problems up the chain of command.  If it's going to be done, I'm the one who will have to do it.  It's a frightening prospect to know that I can truly make a difference in the direction the company will take, but it's also empowering, and in a way that risk is also thrilling.

Another great thing about working for a small company is that we can be responsive to changes in the marketplace.  A behemoth can't be turned on a dime, which can be terribly frustrating for someone who recognizes the synergy that goes into making a successful product.  But when you can anticipate the direction a product needs to go and make those changes quickly, well, every little success can have huge effects.  I think that's part of what makes people with ADD such great inventors and entrepreneurs.  We can switch modes easily, or in computer speak (after all that's my industry) we have very low cost context switches.  

... This post hasn't really gone the direction I intended when I started, but the more I read and learn about ADD the more I see that it does come with some strengths.  After years of failures in school, to finally find that there is a place where I can use this to my advantage is a great lightening.  I've recently been reading Delivered From Distraction by Dr. Edward M. Hallowell.  He makes the point over and over that the most important part of treatment is not in minimizing the negatives, but in finding the positives.  He maintains that every person has strengths, and as I think this through I'm starting to find mine.  I haven't ARRIVED yet, but maybe I'm finally STARTING to treat my ADD.