Sunday, August 18, 2013

She was the best of friends, she was the worst of friends...

I've been thinking a lot lately about how blessed I am to have friends who have stuck with me.  There are times when ADD makes me a GREAT friend, but there are lots of times when ADD makes me... Wait, what were you saying?

I was comparing notes with one of my work friends the other day who also has ADD, and we were surprised at how our relationships have been so similarly impacted by ADD.  You see, ADD thrives on drama.  We make great friends with anyone who's life is falling apart.  We NEED to be needed, and so we find ourselves giving and giving and giving to needy friends.  Unfortunately there are only two ways for that to end.  Either we give and give at an unsustainable rate until WE'RE the ones falling apart, or our friends get their stuff together and don't need us anymore (so we don't see them for months on end).

That's not to say that I don't have good friends who DO have their lives together, but without the drama I fall out of touch with them very easily.  And it's a real shame, because I really do enjoy spending time with my friends.  For example, I recieved some VERY cute baby pictures from a friend recently, I hadn't even realized she was pregnant.  That's how long it had been since we'd been in touch, and I feel really bad because when I had my baby she and her husband were there for me, brought us dinner, and just wonderful to be around.  It's not uncommon for me to go months without talking to a friend, then when we do get together we see each other several times, spend a lot of time together, and then fall apart for more months at a time.

The ADD brain thrives on stimulation, unfortunately arguments are often more stimulating than when everyone gets along.  I look back and see friendships that I have lost simply because I couldn't stop myself from arguing with my friends.  It's never something I recognized at the time, but in retrospect I can see how I've acted like a real know-it-all, and sometimes I've down-right attacked my friends on what really should have been small differing opinions.  Heck, I think I've actually built some friendships on a basis of argumentativeness, a shaky foundation for a friendship if I ever saw one.

I fall in and out of friendships very easily.  I'll meet someone for two days on vacation, and know more about them than someone I've known for years, but I'll just as easily never see them again after we go our separate ways.  Oh, we'll trade addresses, and I'll have every intention of keeping in touch, but somehow it never happens.  It's not that I don't want to, or even that I don't think of them, I do, and often, but to actually reach out and correspond never seems to happen.

It's something I feel bad about as I look back over the years.  All these wonderful people that I have met and formed what could have been wonderful friendships with, all the lost opportunities.  As I read about ADD, what makes us tick and what we should do to make the best of our crazy brains, I read over and over that maintaining close personal relationships are so important.  I try to maintain healthy relationships, but the ones that receive the most attention are the needy codependent ones.  The very thing that I'm supposed to be doing, is so hard to do.

It leaves me very lonely sometimes, but I'm so thankful for the friends that have stuck with me through the years, through the "debates" and the long silences.  So to all my friends out there, thanks for sticking with me.  I'm sorry I don't keep in touch.  I'll try to do better.


  1. omg this is SO me. It is very lonely here. No one calls me to do anything or go anywhere and I got tired of always being the only one making the effort. Guess they're all doing okay now. Thanks for this.

  2. I get this. I fall in an out of friendships easily. I am a GREAT friend..just not an attentive one. I don't mean to be that way. I too, am very grateful for the friendships that 'stick'