Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Terrified, Annoyed - Confessions of wigging out

Ok, so my one and only pregnancy thus far was an unmitigated disaster.  From the Sunday before I knew I was pregnant I started having horrible pain anywhere from 2-4 times a day, and each pain lasted anywhere from 20 minutes to three hours.  This lasted for the entire duration of the pregnancy and only stopped well after my miscarriage was in progress.  I can count on one hand the number of nights I was able to sleep through during that almost three weeks I was pregnant.  Each night I'd wake up with pains shooting across my middle, wrapped around to my back, and sometimes down to my knees.  Unable to get comfortable in any position I paced the house, often for hours at a time.  Of course if they hit during the day when I was stuck in a meeting I was in worse luck.  Sitting made the hurting worse, so I found myself shifting in my seat, unable to concentrate, unable to focus on anything but the pain.

I told one doctor about this and he told me that normal women whose ovaries work right go through this every month.  Right.  I'm not buying that normal women have PMS three weeks out of the month.  If they did there would be a LOT more voluntary hysterectomies.  For another thing, I don't think I'm THAT wussy!  I know what PMS is, I've had it, and it's nothing to write home about. It's DEFINITELY nothing that would keep me up at night. 

And then my world crashed down.  Having a miscarriage the same week Grandpa died... I don't even have the words.  It's been over a month now and I still don't have the words to express how much the world was against me.  I remember one time when I was in middle school, 8th grade I think, and I had the flu on the heels of strep throat.  I was in bed much of that time, and the very first time I went outside in over a week I sat down on a cross-tie next to the driveway and as I straightened up from sitting a bird pooped on the back of my head and down the back of my shirt.  Having a miscarriage?  Worse than that!
So now, a month later, I'm looking at our next steps with more than a little trepidation. I'm terrified, and I feel evil for being terrified.  I'm terrified of getting pregnant and losing the baby, and I'm scared of the pain that I had during my first pregnancy that kept me up at night and made it near impossible to think at work.  And I'm just all around scared and nervous volunteering for this process again.  I came home a few nights back and went straight for the jellybeans and chocolate.  I've really noticed this miscarriage has caused huge stress eating.  The week of the miscarriage I went through a large bag of dark chocolate peanut M&M's in about two days.  And then there were the jellybeans.  Add to this that my doctor asked me to cut my thyroid medicine in half for this try, and I've gained 10 lbs since January, most of it since the miscarriage I'm sure.  Of course I was to upset to go near a scale so I don't really know when all this started.  I'm just now starting to get my focus off the comfort eating and onto trying to be healthy again.

I know I'm just wigging out from nerves.  I WANT a baby, I DON'T want to loose another one.  This is not the same as thinking I can't handle it.  I can handle quite a lot without dying, or throwing myself off a cliff, or staying in bed for the rest of my life, but I know that losing another baby would be very HARD to handle.  I'm scared of the pain that went with my last pregnancy coming back.  I was seriously miserable and couldn't sleep through the night for something like two weeks.  I had people calling me a wuss, telling me to get over it, and telling me to get used to it because this was going to be what motherhood is like.  So, I'm still trying, but I've lost all joy in it.  And I'm scared.  

That's my confession, sorry for pouring it out like that, and I'm sure that really is TMI.


  1. Cassondra, sweetie - PLEASE don't get down on yourself, PLEASE. It is perfectly normal for you to feel "fear" for the next pregnancy. I did - I was afraid the same thing would happen again when Greg was born stillborn. Perfectly natural. And for those people who called you a wuss - I would tell them to mind their own business - YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT A WUSS - EVER, EVER. You are probably one of the strongest people I know and I am so proud of you no words could let you know. And - for those doctors that tell you that it is perfectly normal to have pain for a perfectly normal woman - that is not true also. I never had pain the amount of what you describe. All I can figure is that it has to do with the fertility stuff of which I know nothing about so won't on it - way out of my realm there. But I have a feeling that had to be a huge part of it - the medications, etc. I don't blame you a bit for being scared and frightened and whatever else you are feeling now - perfectly normal, sweetie for what you have been through so far with it. Just do me a favor - O.K.? - please remember that GOD IS WITH YOU AND STEVEN WHERE EVER AND WHATEVER HE TAKES YOU TWO TOO in this endeavor of having a child. HE will provide and help you through it. HE is ALWAYS there for us no matter what the circumstances. That - and always remember that I love you more then you will ever know. And support you in whatever you do and whatever they have you do with the doctors stuff and all. Don't get down on yourself - let those people who called you a wuss "walk a mile in your shoes with that pain" and then see what they say after that.

    I love you my sweetie - POSITIVE THINKING HERE - nobody ever got anything or anywhere thinking negative. Just hang in there. And pray. I will be doing the same for you two as I always have been.

    Write more on your blog thing - love your writings. You are a great writer. I don't know too much about blogging, but you sure know how to get to the truth and crutch of the matter.

    And - believe it or not - IT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL TO FEEL AFRAID - I DID AFTER GREG AND WHEN I GOT PREGNANT WITH KAREN. Especially when I developed pnuemonia and a severe kidney infection six months into the pregnancy. I had toxemia for Greg's pregnancy which is why they put me in the hospital and that is how it came to be that I was already there when Greg aborted. I was terribly frightened for Karen and me during those few weeks during the illness and throughout the rest of the pregnancy, believe me. So - perfectly normal for you to feel the way you do. You have been through an awful lot - just take some time and relax and try and enjoy life as God wants us to. Relax and let go and let GOD take care of it. O.K.?

    Love you - mom

  2. I have the most wonderful, supportive mother-in-law in the world! Thanks mom.

  3. I had a miscarriage in February 2010. Being scared in the aftermath is normal I think. I have taken about a year off from thinking about it and actively pursuing it. And I'm 40 so taking time off isn't really to my advantage. The fear just takes some time to wane. Now, I think I am ready to try again. This time, though, will be a calmer ride. One day at a time. If it happens, then I will deal with whatever comes my way as it happens. Worrying about it won't get me anywhere. It's something we don't have control over... complications, I mean. And this is a revelation to me because I am a control freak! Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain and can relate and let you know it gets better over time...

  4. Thanks so much. It's so encouraging to know I'm not alone in this.

  5. And not crazy. Sometimes I just think I'm crazy.