Ok, so I never had the hyperactivity that's so common with ADD, hence my continued use of the term "ADD" instead of the newer, technically correct, "ADHD." But think about the most active, hyperactive, bouncing off the wall child you can think of, and that's what the inside of my head is like.
A couple years ago I saw a video where Mark Gungor is explaining the differences between the male and female brain. To me that could be the same thing as the difference between the ADD and the "normal" brain. My first thought was "that's totally true!" but as I watched my husbands calm thinking, and saw him go into his "nothing box" each night before sleep I found myself wondering "what would it be like to have a nothing box." I'm jealous of his ability to think about... nothing!
Mental calm comes so rarely to me. It's rare for me to have less than 2-3 things swimming around in my head. Right now, I'm writing, watching Chopped, and there's ALWAYS a song running around the back of my head (right now the theme from the original Nintendo's Super Mario Brothers). When I was a child I was the outwardly calm one. My sister was athletic and always on the go, while my dad was totally surprised to find that I could sit still and play on my own for 10 minutes at a time.
I was outwardly calm. I remember laying on the couch with my head hanging off the edge for ages, lost in my imagination of what it would be like to walk on the ceiling, a world where everything was upside down. In school I rarely had trouble sitting still, but in my mind I was likely to be zooming from planet to planet. Thinking back, I think at least one teacher actually sat me with other kids who had hyperactivity, possibly hoping I would be a calming influence. Looking back I think their energy actually fed my imagination, all the undiagnosed ADHD kids in one corner.
But at night I had a horrible time falling asleep. I was tired and I WANTED to sleep, but to get my brain to stop was nearly impossible. I remember spending hours laying awake in the dark, trying to imagine myself to a place of calm so that I would fall asleep.
With my mind always on the go like that, it's even more important that I get plenty of sleep. After all, it's the only time my brain gets to rest! I would say it's the only time my brain is still, but not even then. I have extremely vivid and detailed dreams. If I ever got them written down I swear I'd have plots for hundreds of books or movies. Sometimes I dream something wonderful only to wake up and promptly forget it, but often I remember my dreams for years. Where most folks can get by with 7 hours or so of sleep a night, I'm really better when I have something like nine.
Of course now as an adult and mother, I rarely get that. I'm also generally tired enough so these days I don't have trouble falling asleep, but it's not uncommon for me to wake up around 3:30 in the morning (or whenever the baby wakes me up in the middle of the night) with to much going on in my head to get BACK to sleep. Often I can't get back to sleep until I work through those thoughts, get them processed and out somewhere. A good half of my blog postings have been written during these bouts of insomnia, so thanks for giving me a forum for working through my thoughts.
Oh, and just because it's SO true...
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
I would argue with a sign post
I love a good argument, er, discussion. There's a thrill to picking a viewpoint and defending it with every fact, every feeling, every bit of logic in your arsenal. I remember growing up I would have regular discussions, usually with folks much older than me, and usually about fine points in Christianity. Oh occasionally politics were brought into it, or what toothpaste was the best. But I was raised in the church, went to Sunday school every Sunday, listened to Moody radio and Focus on the Family, so church was really what I knew enough about to have an opinion. I would debate the merits of baptizing adults rather than infants, and immersion over sprinkling; a woman's place in the church; and I remember one mission trip in high school where I took on two pastors and the majority of the youth group over the topic of predestination.
It wasn't even really about being right. Oh there have been some folks who took a hard line attitude and tried to back me into a corner, you just can't back down from something like that. Mostly it's about the stimulation that allows me to focus all of my mental power around a point of view. That kind of focus doesn't come easily for the person who has ADD, so these arguments gave me the opportunity to construct my own belief system and to really understand why I believe what I believe. I get a thrill from listening to someone build a case point by point for an opposing view, and then taking each point and either knocking it down, or twisting it to show why it really fits my point of view better.
That kind of structure for organizing your thoughts doesn't come around every day. When I was in high school I joined the debate team thinking I would really enjoy it. I dropped out after one meeting. I couldn't wrap my mind about researching one topic to death, and then being arbitrarily assigned which side of the topic I could take. Oh, in most arguments I can see and understand both sides of the topic, but I can't really argue for something I don't believe. That need to believe in the thing I'm doing has caused me trouble throughout my career, from needing to believe in the music I was singing, to needing to believe in the people I'm working for and the product I'm supporting. Sometimes we end up having to do something we don't believe in, and I find I just never can do that as well.
The more I learn about ADD the more I realize that this desire to discuss... everything, isn't normal. It's part of the un-regulation of focus. I also need that thrill of proving my intellectual prowess. Not that I have to beat you down, but after years of feeling slow and stupid I need that acknowledgement that I am your intellectual equal, that I am worthy of the debate. One of the hardest things for me is to back down from a discussion, or to have someone unwilling to talk or listen to me. It's akin to yet another person saying, "you're not worthy of my attention."
Keep that in mind when you deal with the ADD people in your life.
It wasn't even really about being right. Oh there have been some folks who took a hard line attitude and tried to back me into a corner, you just can't back down from something like that. Mostly it's about the stimulation that allows me to focus all of my mental power around a point of view. That kind of focus doesn't come easily for the person who has ADD, so these arguments gave me the opportunity to construct my own belief system and to really understand why I believe what I believe. I get a thrill from listening to someone build a case point by point for an opposing view, and then taking each point and either knocking it down, or twisting it to show why it really fits my point of view better.
That kind of structure for organizing your thoughts doesn't come around every day. When I was in high school I joined the debate team thinking I would really enjoy it. I dropped out after one meeting. I couldn't wrap my mind about researching one topic to death, and then being arbitrarily assigned which side of the topic I could take. Oh, in most arguments I can see and understand both sides of the topic, but I can't really argue for something I don't believe. That need to believe in the thing I'm doing has caused me trouble throughout my career, from needing to believe in the music I was singing, to needing to believe in the people I'm working for and the product I'm supporting. Sometimes we end up having to do something we don't believe in, and I find I just never can do that as well.
The more I learn about ADD the more I realize that this desire to discuss... everything, isn't normal. It's part of the un-regulation of focus. I also need that thrill of proving my intellectual prowess. Not that I have to beat you down, but after years of feeling slow and stupid I need that acknowledgement that I am your intellectual equal, that I am worthy of the debate. One of the hardest things for me is to back down from a discussion, or to have someone unwilling to talk or listen to me. It's akin to yet another person saying, "you're not worthy of my attention."
Keep that in mind when you deal with the ADD people in your life.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Living With ADD
I've been planning to write a book about all the various ways ADD affects my life for some time now, years really. I notice something new and say, "Oooh, that should go in the book!" and may or may not make a note of it. So after several years of working, perusing, mulling over, and contemplating this book I've come to a realization... It's never going to be written. Probably because I have ADD.
But I still have this feeling that I have something to say about ADD, something that may help others that have it, but that especially help those of you who have a loved one who has ADD, to help you to understand a little something about what you're living with. And I think it's still worth sharing, even if this book is never completed. And I don't want to wait in getting it out there to people. I mean, even if I COULD finish this book, then I'd have to find a publisher, and get them interested, and convince them that other people would want to read this (which I don't really know whether they would or not), and that all sounds like a LOT of work for me. And really I spend all my time playing catch-up so I don't have time to convince people to read my stuff.
So I've decided instead to post it here, and you can read it or not. Hope it helps someone, but if not at least I'll have put it out there. So without further ado...
So the first thing you're going to say is, "This chick doesn't know what she's talking about, doesn't she know it's ADHD?" Well, I suppose officially it's all ADHD, but I never had the hyperactivity, so I'm writing about what I know.
Another thing I've heard a lot is "I know, you can't pay attention to things," but that's not it. ADD is about the inability to REGULATE your attention to things. There are some times I'm so distract-able that I'm doing 5 things at once (and none of them well). But at others I can get so tuned in to what I'm doing that I forget everything about my surroundings, which can actually be even more dangerous than distract-ability (more on this later).
So lets start with a little background...
My World Before ADD
I was a generally happy child. After the constant activity that was my older sister, I think my parents were a bit relieved to have a baby who WANTED to sleep in her crib and could play with dolls on her own for a whole ten minutes at a time. I was into princesses and long frilly dresses and doing my own hair. In most ways I was really quite typical. I also showed musical talent quite young, singing before I could talk and playing the piano by ear at age three.
To all appearances I was a bright and happy little girl, so I think everyone was surprised when very early on in Kindergarten I had problems completing the most basic assignments. I'd be set to copying a page (and a Kindergarten page is NOT a long page) of information, and in the time everyone else had finished I would have written a sentence. My parents and teachers thought I just needed help with motivation, so they tried everything they could to bribe and cajole me into working faster. I remember in Kindergarten we weren't allowed to bring toys to school, but someone had the bright idea that I should be allowed a SPECIAL toy, that I was only allowed to play with after I finished my work. I chose a red stuffed monkey that was a favorite toy (that happened to belong to my sister, I'm also a thief). I loved that monkey, and that led to a whole other saga where the monkey was stolen and then appropriated by the nursery class, and it must have been months before I got it back and then it was missing an ear. But I don't remember it making any difference to my work habits.
My "lack of motivation" continued and morphed into "needs improvement" in all aspects of doing my school-work. And that followed me throughout my school career. Oh, I don't think I was ever a real disciplinary problem. I rarely had any trouble learning the material, but I never could memorize anything, from spelling words to multiplication tables. In second grade I discovered I was a daydreamer. In third I found out I had an incredibly messy desk.
In fourth I was diagnosed with a writing disorder. I had trouble putting pencil to paper, but I got permission to give dictation to my mom who started typing all my papers. It was also in fourth grade that I was tested and found bright enough to be placed in the gifted program. Every once in a while you encounter a teacher who is truly excellent. I look back at my fourth grade teacher, Ms. Arnold, and I think she had more of an impact in getting me through school than any teacher up until my tenth grade English teacher. Oh, I had several good teachers in there (and some bad ones), but she did a very good job at noticing where I was struggling and helping me to find coping strategies.
My whole time at school was about coping with one thing or another, and I developed strategies for dealing with all kinds of assignments. I'm sure it didn't help that I showed flashes of "brilliance." I had an amazing memory for brain teasers and absorbed odd information like a sponge. By 5th grade I would write up little brain teaser tests and give them to my teacher to take. I look back at my audacity and wonder that they put up with me at all. I already "knew" I was smarter than my teacher. But that amazing memory had holes like swiss cheese, and I never knew where they would form. Sure I could remember where all the states were, but I couldn't spell their names, or remember their capitols. I could amaze you with interesting facts and I had a thorough understanding of what I knew, but there didn't seem any reason to what I could and couldn't learn.
I spent a lot of time thinking outside the box. I remember in sixth grade we were given an assignment to write and illustrate a book. While everyone else wrote a simple story, I wrote a "Choose Your Own Adventure" story about a girl who got sucked into the world of "The Wizard of Oz" (my teacher must have thought me seriously disturbed when she read the ways I killed off my main character).
I remember another incident in math when we were learning long division. There was a misprint in the workbook and one of the problems couldn't be solved (with what we were supposed to already know, we hadn't learned about remainders yet). I spent the entire class working on that one problem solving it out 10+ decimal places, but of course I hadn't paid a bit of attention to the lesson nor the work I was SUPPOSED to be doing. I was hyper-focused on that one problem because I KNEW it could be solved.
I'm sure there was no measuring the level of frustration I brought to my teachers. I continued to be a strange conglomeration of gifted, curious, creative and talented. I was an avid reader, but I was slow, SO slow, at EVERYTHING. I was constantly running out of time on tests, especially standardized tests. Completing homework assignments and projects took hours each night, all day some Saturdays, and Sunday afternoons after church. And yet, I managed to absorb most of the material, enough to scrape by at least.
I could paraphrase the Gettysburg address and understand what it was saying, but I couldn't memorize it. I could read and write poetry, but when I had to give a presentation or was in a play I was a nervous wreck because I could never memorize my lines. To this day I watch Inside the Actor's Studio and am in awe when they talk about memorizing what they need to know for each day's shooting. To this day the only thing I can memorize is music, and that takes a lot of work to remember even the simplest lyrics.
I forget what it was I was supposed to memorize and recite in tenth grade, but it's the only time I remember breaking down and crying in the classroom. I just couldn't do it. The teacher didn't understand, I had read over it what must have been hundreds of times, but it was simply an insurmountable task. We had to read some of the most depressing literature that year. I don't know how The Scarlet Letter and As I Lay Dying fit into the curriculum for impressionable teenagers (I certainly never plan on taking my mother's coffin on an un-refrigerated road trip in the middle of summer), but I do remember that Ms. Gilham taught us how to write. To this day I credit her with getting me through EVERY writing assignment from tenth grade through college exit exams. For a child with a writing disorder who was incapable of putting pencil to paper, I certainly do a lot of writing these days and it's all thanks to her.
So I made it through high school with mediocre grades, but with SATs that outshone all but the top handfull of students in my class.
Then when it came to college I seemed incapable of sticking to one major. I liked Biology and focused on that for a year, then switched to music where I excelled in theory, but made straight C's in voice (I had trouble memorizing arias in various languages), and I barely scraped through music history. So I switched to art, at which I was a complete failure before dropping out to work. I simply couldn't pick a major and go with it. One day I'd have a fantastic idea for a painting, the next day I'd have an idea for a great song, the next I'd be fascinated by the taxonomy of local flora. I could never settle for even a whole semester, much less long enough to get a degree. I also found that while all my friends were carrying an 18 hour course load, there were times when I couldn't even handle 12-15. It just took me so much more time to do anything and everything. I decided to drop out and work for a while.
So there I was, unqualified for anything, hopping from job to job and never staying anywhere very long (four different jobs in a year) and I knew I had to do something that would get me back in school with some direction. About that time my best friend graduated from Georgia Tech with a degree in computer science, and started making what at the time seemed like a fabulous amount of money (which sounded nice to me). But I still had to figure out how to get back in school, so I took a 10 month job in Americorps because I knew I'd have the educational stipend when I was done, and I'd HAVE to use it on school. My strategy worked. After a 10 month stint in Americorps I went back to school with a major in computer science.
I had a new strategy this time around. Instead of summers off, I was in school full time year round. I also found that if I was completely lost in any given class a few weeks into the semester, or if I thought a course had a completely overwhelming work load I'd just drop the course. This gave me a bit of cushion and allowed me to have a little extra time to manage my coursework.
It was also during this time that my little brother underwent testing for ADHD. As the psychologist diagnosed him and described what he was going through my mom said it hit her that he was describing me even more than my brother. It clicked for her that all of my seeming misfits, the trouble I'd had from the very beginning of school, could be traced to this one problem. Even though I agreed that her diagnosis was likely, I figured I was so close to finally making it through school that I never bothered to do anything about it. And I did finally make it through school. In only twice the time it took all my high school friends I graduated, and figured that since I was finally through with school this wouldn't have any more impact on my life. Right?
But I still have this feeling that I have something to say about ADD, something that may help others that have it, but that especially help those of you who have a loved one who has ADD, to help you to understand a little something about what you're living with. And I think it's still worth sharing, even if this book is never completed. And I don't want to wait in getting it out there to people. I mean, even if I COULD finish this book, then I'd have to find a publisher, and get them interested, and convince them that other people would want to read this (which I don't really know whether they would or not), and that all sounds like a LOT of work for me. And really I spend all my time playing catch-up so I don't have time to convince people to read my stuff.
So I've decided instead to post it here, and you can read it or not. Hope it helps someone, but if not at least I'll have put it out there. So without further ado...
So the first thing you're going to say is, "This chick doesn't know what she's talking about, doesn't she know it's ADHD?" Well, I suppose officially it's all ADHD, but I never had the hyperactivity, so I'm writing about what I know.
Another thing I've heard a lot is "I know, you can't pay attention to things," but that's not it. ADD is about the inability to REGULATE your attention to things. There are some times I'm so distract-able that I'm doing 5 things at once (and none of them well). But at others I can get so tuned in to what I'm doing that I forget everything about my surroundings, which can actually be even more dangerous than distract-ability (more on this later).
So lets start with a little background...
My World Before ADD
I was a generally happy child. After the constant activity that was my older sister, I think my parents were a bit relieved to have a baby who WANTED to sleep in her crib and could play with dolls on her own for a whole ten minutes at a time. I was into princesses and long frilly dresses and doing my own hair. In most ways I was really quite typical. I also showed musical talent quite young, singing before I could talk and playing the piano by ear at age three.
To all appearances I was a bright and happy little girl, so I think everyone was surprised when very early on in Kindergarten I had problems completing the most basic assignments. I'd be set to copying a page (and a Kindergarten page is NOT a long page) of information, and in the time everyone else had finished I would have written a sentence. My parents and teachers thought I just needed help with motivation, so they tried everything they could to bribe and cajole me into working faster. I remember in Kindergarten we weren't allowed to bring toys to school, but someone had the bright idea that I should be allowed a SPECIAL toy, that I was only allowed to play with after I finished my work. I chose a red stuffed monkey that was a favorite toy (that happened to belong to my sister, I'm also a thief). I loved that monkey, and that led to a whole other saga where the monkey was stolen and then appropriated by the nursery class, and it must have been months before I got it back and then it was missing an ear. But I don't remember it making any difference to my work habits.
My "lack of motivation" continued and morphed into "needs improvement" in all aspects of doing my school-work. And that followed me throughout my school career. Oh, I don't think I was ever a real disciplinary problem. I rarely had any trouble learning the material, but I never could memorize anything, from spelling words to multiplication tables. In second grade I discovered I was a daydreamer. In third I found out I had an incredibly messy desk.
In fourth I was diagnosed with a writing disorder. I had trouble putting pencil to paper, but I got permission to give dictation to my mom who started typing all my papers. It was also in fourth grade that I was tested and found bright enough to be placed in the gifted program. Every once in a while you encounter a teacher who is truly excellent. I look back at my fourth grade teacher, Ms. Arnold, and I think she had more of an impact in getting me through school than any teacher up until my tenth grade English teacher. Oh, I had several good teachers in there (and some bad ones), but she did a very good job at noticing where I was struggling and helping me to find coping strategies.
My whole time at school was about coping with one thing or another, and I developed strategies for dealing with all kinds of assignments. I'm sure it didn't help that I showed flashes of "brilliance." I had an amazing memory for brain teasers and absorbed odd information like a sponge. By 5th grade I would write up little brain teaser tests and give them to my teacher to take. I look back at my audacity and wonder that they put up with me at all. I already "knew" I was smarter than my teacher. But that amazing memory had holes like swiss cheese, and I never knew where they would form. Sure I could remember where all the states were, but I couldn't spell their names, or remember their capitols. I could amaze you with interesting facts and I had a thorough understanding of what I knew, but there didn't seem any reason to what I could and couldn't learn.
I spent a lot of time thinking outside the box. I remember in sixth grade we were given an assignment to write and illustrate a book. While everyone else wrote a simple story, I wrote a "Choose Your Own Adventure" story about a girl who got sucked into the world of "The Wizard of Oz" (my teacher must have thought me seriously disturbed when she read the ways I killed off my main character).
I remember another incident in math when we were learning long division. There was a misprint in the workbook and one of the problems couldn't be solved (with what we were supposed to already know, we hadn't learned about remainders yet). I spent the entire class working on that one problem solving it out 10+ decimal places, but of course I hadn't paid a bit of attention to the lesson nor the work I was SUPPOSED to be doing. I was hyper-focused on that one problem because I KNEW it could be solved.
I'm sure there was no measuring the level of frustration I brought to my teachers. I continued to be a strange conglomeration of gifted, curious, creative and talented. I was an avid reader, but I was slow, SO slow, at EVERYTHING. I was constantly running out of time on tests, especially standardized tests. Completing homework assignments and projects took hours each night, all day some Saturdays, and Sunday afternoons after church. And yet, I managed to absorb most of the material, enough to scrape by at least.
I could paraphrase the Gettysburg address and understand what it was saying, but I couldn't memorize it. I could read and write poetry, but when I had to give a presentation or was in a play I was a nervous wreck because I could never memorize my lines. To this day I watch Inside the Actor's Studio and am in awe when they talk about memorizing what they need to know for each day's shooting. To this day the only thing I can memorize is music, and that takes a lot of work to remember even the simplest lyrics.
I forget what it was I was supposed to memorize and recite in tenth grade, but it's the only time I remember breaking down and crying in the classroom. I just couldn't do it. The teacher didn't understand, I had read over it what must have been hundreds of times, but it was simply an insurmountable task. We had to read some of the most depressing literature that year. I don't know how The Scarlet Letter and As I Lay Dying fit into the curriculum for impressionable teenagers (I certainly never plan on taking my mother's coffin on an un-refrigerated road trip in the middle of summer), but I do remember that Ms. Gilham taught us how to write. To this day I credit her with getting me through EVERY writing assignment from tenth grade through college exit exams. For a child with a writing disorder who was incapable of putting pencil to paper, I certainly do a lot of writing these days and it's all thanks to her.
So I made it through high school with mediocre grades, but with SATs that outshone all but the top handfull of students in my class.
Then when it came to college I seemed incapable of sticking to one major. I liked Biology and focused on that for a year, then switched to music where I excelled in theory, but made straight C's in voice (I had trouble memorizing arias in various languages), and I barely scraped through music history. So I switched to art, at which I was a complete failure before dropping out to work. I simply couldn't pick a major and go with it. One day I'd have a fantastic idea for a painting, the next day I'd have an idea for a great song, the next I'd be fascinated by the taxonomy of local flora. I could never settle for even a whole semester, much less long enough to get a degree. I also found that while all my friends were carrying an 18 hour course load, there were times when I couldn't even handle 12-15. It just took me so much more time to do anything and everything. I decided to drop out and work for a while.
So there I was, unqualified for anything, hopping from job to job and never staying anywhere very long (four different jobs in a year) and I knew I had to do something that would get me back in school with some direction. About that time my best friend graduated from Georgia Tech with a degree in computer science, and started making what at the time seemed like a fabulous amount of money (which sounded nice to me). But I still had to figure out how to get back in school, so I took a 10 month job in Americorps because I knew I'd have the educational stipend when I was done, and I'd HAVE to use it on school. My strategy worked. After a 10 month stint in Americorps I went back to school with a major in computer science.
I had a new strategy this time around. Instead of summers off, I was in school full time year round. I also found that if I was completely lost in any given class a few weeks into the semester, or if I thought a course had a completely overwhelming work load I'd just drop the course. This gave me a bit of cushion and allowed me to have a little extra time to manage my coursework.
It was also during this time that my little brother underwent testing for ADHD. As the psychologist diagnosed him and described what he was going through my mom said it hit her that he was describing me even more than my brother. It clicked for her that all of my seeming misfits, the trouble I'd had from the very beginning of school, could be traced to this one problem. Even though I agreed that her diagnosis was likely, I figured I was so close to finally making it through school that I never bothered to do anything about it. And I did finally make it through school. In only twice the time it took all my high school friends I graduated, and figured that since I was finally through with school this wouldn't have any more impact on my life. Right?
Monday, July 8, 2013
Apologizing for the Trinity
I've been reading some Christian apologetics lately and it's gotten me thinking. First of all, why is the defense and explanation of Christian beliefs called apologetics. I don't really feel the need to apologize to anyone for being a Christian. That's a real misnomer, and I think someone should look into calling it something else.
Whatever, what got me really thinking was something I read about one Christian condemning Bishop T.D. Jakes for saying he believes in the Trinity but not explaining it in the right terminology, so this apologetics expert says the Bishop isn't a Christian. Now first of all, I don't want to apologize for the Bishop, I don't know what he believes. I just got caught up by the semantics of the thing. The Trinity is a really hard concept for most people. The idea that God is three things, that are distinct, but the same, all the time. I've heard it described as a three leaf clover, all three leaves part of one clover. But then folks come along and talk about Jesus being FULLY God, and the Holy Spirit being FULLY God, so it's not like the three are interdependent. And a three leaf clover is whole only with three leaves. It doesn't just have two leaves and then say, "oh, I think I'll sprout a third."
But that's essentially where the Holy Spirit came from. If you read the Bible, there's no Holy Spirit prior to Acts. And we don't see Jesus doing much before the new testament either. Oh there's "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." The whole of the old testament was pointing to Him, but He didn't have a name, and we didn't see a whole lot of Him until he put on flesh and walked around with us. But does that mean that Jesus wasn't distinct until he was born, that this aspect of God sprouted forth at that time, or was he just kinda hanging out before then? And if he was with God from the beginning, then why do we call him God the Son. I mean, my daughter came forth FROM me, and I suppose the egg that she grew from has been there all along, but she hasn't exactly been hanging out with me until this last year.
So what I'm saying is that this is an admittedly difficult concept. I don't know of any Christian who would say, "Oh, the Trinity, yeah I TOTALLY get that!" When I was growing up in Sunday School they had whole serieses of lessons trying to help us understand how God could be three, and also one at the same time. I'm still not sure I get it. Oh, the Bible says it, so I believe it, but I can't say I really understand it. There are a fair number of concepts like that in the Bible. Does that make me less of a Christian because I don't really understand it? Oh, I can quote the scriptures that say it, but it's hard to make it mesh in my mind, so I just have to take it on faith that God (who is infinite where I am finite) can make it work out so that he is wholly three and also one.
So where do you, mister Apologetics man, get off calling into question the fundamental Christianity of a guy who says he believes in the trinity, but just explains it a little differently than you. You're the same guy that got all up in arms about baptizing in the name of "Jesus" instead of "in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." But if those are the three parts of God that are also the one true God then doesn't it amount to the same thing?
I don't get how we as Christians can put up with these divisive people in our midst. When we should be finding ways to edify each other and to build each other up, we're instead nit picking every word. I don't feel it's my place to judge whether another person is right with God. Oh, I know what I believe, and will gladly discuss it with you, but if your beliefs vary slightly from mine I don't see that as a personal attack. Heck, I see it as an opportunity for me to affirm my own beliefs and dazzle you with my love by trying to understand how you could believe something differently. I try to be discerning, I may examine the scripture to see the merits of what you believe. I may change my own personal beliefs through greater understanding of the different ways scripture can be interpreted (and there's a lot of variation to the way some things can be interpreted), or I may find my own personal beliefs are stronger for having been re-examined. But I WILL NOT condemn you for believing something different from me.
You see, I have a secret. I know something that many Christians don't seem to understand.
I AM NOT INFALLIBLE! Therefore, IT'S NOT MY PLACE TO JUDGE!
I'll leave that up to God. And I have faith that He can sort it all out in the end. And if I'm wrong, or you're wrong, or we're both wrong (most likely scenario as I see it) then what better way to learn it than by accepting the possibility that I MAY be wrong about everything (though I don't think I am, of course) and that God can teach me differently in His own way, in His own time.
Whatever, what got me really thinking was something I read about one Christian condemning Bishop T.D. Jakes for saying he believes in the Trinity but not explaining it in the right terminology, so this apologetics expert says the Bishop isn't a Christian. Now first of all, I don't want to apologize for the Bishop, I don't know what he believes. I just got caught up by the semantics of the thing. The Trinity is a really hard concept for most people. The idea that God is three things, that are distinct, but the same, all the time. I've heard it described as a three leaf clover, all three leaves part of one clover. But then folks come along and talk about Jesus being FULLY God, and the Holy Spirit being FULLY God, so it's not like the three are interdependent. And a three leaf clover is whole only with three leaves. It doesn't just have two leaves and then say, "oh, I think I'll sprout a third."
But that's essentially where the Holy Spirit came from. If you read the Bible, there's no Holy Spirit prior to Acts. And we don't see Jesus doing much before the new testament either. Oh there's "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." The whole of the old testament was pointing to Him, but He didn't have a name, and we didn't see a whole lot of Him until he put on flesh and walked around with us. But does that mean that Jesus wasn't distinct until he was born, that this aspect of God sprouted forth at that time, or was he just kinda hanging out before then? And if he was with God from the beginning, then why do we call him God the Son. I mean, my daughter came forth FROM me, and I suppose the egg that she grew from has been there all along, but she hasn't exactly been hanging out with me until this last year.
So what I'm saying is that this is an admittedly difficult concept. I don't know of any Christian who would say, "Oh, the Trinity, yeah I TOTALLY get that!" When I was growing up in Sunday School they had whole serieses of lessons trying to help us understand how God could be three, and also one at the same time. I'm still not sure I get it. Oh, the Bible says it, so I believe it, but I can't say I really understand it. There are a fair number of concepts like that in the Bible. Does that make me less of a Christian because I don't really understand it? Oh, I can quote the scriptures that say it, but it's hard to make it mesh in my mind, so I just have to take it on faith that God (who is infinite where I am finite) can make it work out so that he is wholly three and also one.
So where do you, mister Apologetics man, get off calling into question the fundamental Christianity of a guy who says he believes in the trinity, but just explains it a little differently than you. You're the same guy that got all up in arms about baptizing in the name of "Jesus" instead of "in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." But if those are the three parts of God that are also the one true God then doesn't it amount to the same thing?
I don't get how we as Christians can put up with these divisive people in our midst. When we should be finding ways to edify each other and to build each other up, we're instead nit picking every word. I don't feel it's my place to judge whether another person is right with God. Oh, I know what I believe, and will gladly discuss it with you, but if your beliefs vary slightly from mine I don't see that as a personal attack. Heck, I see it as an opportunity for me to affirm my own beliefs and dazzle you with my love by trying to understand how you could believe something differently. I try to be discerning, I may examine the scripture to see the merits of what you believe. I may change my own personal beliefs through greater understanding of the different ways scripture can be interpreted (and there's a lot of variation to the way some things can be interpreted), or I may find my own personal beliefs are stronger for having been re-examined. But I WILL NOT condemn you for believing something different from me.
You see, I have a secret. I know something that many Christians don't seem to understand.
I AM NOT INFALLIBLE! Therefore, IT'S NOT MY PLACE TO JUDGE!
I'll leave that up to God. And I have faith that He can sort it all out in the end. And if I'm wrong, or you're wrong, or we're both wrong (most likely scenario as I see it) then what better way to learn it than by accepting the possibility that I MAY be wrong about everything (though I don't think I am, of course) and that God can teach me differently in His own way, in His own time.
Monday, April 22, 2013
19 is so young!
I keep seeing the images of a 19 year old hiding in a boat, and I can't help but think of what 19 is. He must have been so scared. I think of his mother who can't believe what he's done, and I think, what if my daughter grew up to do something so un-imaginably awful. I wouldn't believe it either. My baby! All I would want would be to hold my baby and comfort her. I feel for his family, for his victims, and victim's families. But especially for his mother.
Nineteen is so young, and I think back to the year that I was 19. I was so messed up. I was lonely, so lonely that I prayed for a boyfriend, any boyfriend, just because that had to be better than being lonely. That was the year I learned it's better to be alone than with the wrong person. I dated two guys that year. The first was, a nice guy. Benign really, but I wasn't the right girl for him any more than he was for me. Then I dated the abusive egomaniac. I remember at 19 telling myself that I really must be something wonderful if he wanted me so much he would try to force himself on me. It took me a long time to realize I was special on my own.
Nineteen is so young. He must be so scared. I have no idea why he did what he did, what he was thinking, what he thought would happen. But I understand being 19, and young, and confused, and scared and I pray for him, and his family, and his victims, and their families. I pray for the wisdom of law enforcement. And I pray for all the other 19 year-old's out there. We've been there.
Nineteen is so young, and I think back to the year that I was 19. I was so messed up. I was lonely, so lonely that I prayed for a boyfriend, any boyfriend, just because that had to be better than being lonely. That was the year I learned it's better to be alone than with the wrong person. I dated two guys that year. The first was, a nice guy. Benign really, but I wasn't the right girl for him any more than he was for me. Then I dated the abusive egomaniac. I remember at 19 telling myself that I really must be something wonderful if he wanted me so much he would try to force himself on me. It took me a long time to realize I was special on my own.
Nineteen is so young. He must be so scared. I have no idea why he did what he did, what he was thinking, what he thought would happen. But I understand being 19, and young, and confused, and scared and I pray for him, and his family, and his victims, and their families. I pray for the wisdom of law enforcement. And I pray for all the other 19 year-old's out there. We've been there.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
What it really means...
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about Christianity and its various denominations, and what it really means to be a Christian. So many denominations have split and split again, all over fine points of theology. I think that's sad. Churches are splitting over little piddling bits of theology, when we should be focusing on the things that unify us. So I've spent several middle of the night feedings lately pondering what it REALLY means to be a Christian.
I told my cousin Jim about my conclusions. His response, "Yeah, that's what happens when you start thinking theology at 3:00 in the morning, you throw out half the Apostle's Creed." Still he listened. Jim's fantastic, and he needs new lungs, so go help with whatever you can (www.jimhenrymedicaltrust.org).
So when it all boils down to it I think all that's really required to be a Christian is to believe in the first half of the Apostle's Creed. Not even the whole thing! Not that there aren't plenty of important theological issues that aren't covered here, it's just that they're not core to what it really means to be a Christian. You can come down on either side of many theological discussions and I don't think it has any impact on the core beliefs of Christianity. So what does it really mean to be a Christian?
1. I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.
Yes, this is core to Christianity. I have to believe in God, and that he made everything. Doesn't really matter HOW He made things. Whether He did it in 7 days or 7 millennia and whether He created everything as is or used some sort of directed evolutionary process doesn't matter. What matters is that He did it. That's not to say you can't believe strongly in your opinion of His methodology, but all that's core belief is that He did it and it was good.
2. I believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord.
This doesn't take any belief at all. Jesus was a historical figure, this is verifiable fact. If you're gonna believe in God the Father, then he has to be father of something, so it makes sense that Jesus is that son. There are a lot of prophecies that point toward Jesus, and that He was God's son, so it follows that if God is, then you're going to believe Jesus is His son.
He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary.
Does it really matter how Jesus was conceived? Really what does it matter whether the body that bore his human form had ever known a man? Not saying it wasn't miraculous and all, but God made the whole world, I don't really find one virgin birth that significant. Not that I don't believe in the virgin birth, I do, I just don't think that it really matters in the big scheme of things so it's not worth arguing over.
He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried.
Again, historical fact. The most miraculous thing here is that Jesus kept a good attitude through it all!
He descended to the dead. On the third day he rose again.
Doesn't matter where He was those three days. For that matter, the rising again is just a symbol of God accepting Jesus's sacrifice for our sins. What matters is that He accepted it, not how he showed that acceptance, so again even the rising from the dead is not a required belief for Christians.
3. He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
Ok, so it makes sense that Jesus is in heaven with the Father. I'm not sure it's required believing, but I think you could make a pretty good case that Jesus just hanging out in the world wouldn't be in keeping with God the Father accepting his sacrifice, so I'll give you this one.
He will come again to judge the living and the dead.
Really? It'll happen whether I believe in it or not. His judgement stands whether I believe in its validity or not. Yes, I believe He's coming, but I think it would be really self-important of me to think that my belief in His judgement has any impact whatsoever.
4. I believe in the Holy Spirit,
This goes along with God's omnipotence and omniscience. Yep, gotta believe that God is with us all the time.
the holy catholic Church,
The church exists whether I believe in it or not, and whether you call it "catholic" or just a group of Christians doesn't matter. However you can be a Christian and live as a hermit somewhere, so you don't have to actually participate in the church in any way shape or form.
the communion of saints,
I don't even know what this means. Is it that we commune with other Christians (see hermitage) That we take communion? (don't see how that's required either) I figure if I can't understand it then I can't very well claim that its belief is core to what it means to be a Christian.
5. the forgiveness of sins,
Well, this one's kind of gray to me. The whole point of Jesus's sacrifice is that it allows our sins to be forgiven. But outside of my own self-importance it doesn't really matter whether I believe that my sins are forgiven or not. What matters is does God see fit to forgive them. And I should live my life the same way whether I believe my sins are forgiven or not, because if I believe they're all forgiven what's to stop me from just going out and sinning all willy-nilly. That being said, if I didn't believe that my sins were forgiven, then I might be likely to point to one sin that I committed, throw up my hands, and give up. I don't think that's what God wants us to do, so I think it's important that He gave us hope, a reason to live on and do better. So I say forgiveness of sins is a core Christian belief if only because it allows us to start anew every day.
the resurrection of the body,
Um, this happens after I'm dead. Really I have nothing to do with it whether I have a body or not after I die. Not core.
and life everlasting.
It's nice to think that we have a reward coming for all of our believing, but really God's well within his rights to do whatever he wants with his creation at any time he wants to. Do I believe that I have a soul that will live forever? Yes. Do I believe that you HAVE to believe you have a soul that will live forever in order to be a Christian? Nope.
I look at this list, really a very short list, and I hear Christians quibbling over immersion vs. sprinkling, predestination vs. free will, wine at communion vs. te-totaling. It makes me very, very sad. Here we are claiming to love each other, and love all the people, but we can't put down our harsh words and focus on what really matters. So instead of one Christian church we have all these denominations, and the ones that are the most similar are the ones that spend the most time throwing stones!
I'm not saying I don't have beliefs about anything other than the basics. I certainly have no problem with the idea that God created the world in seven literal days (after all, if He's going to create adult people why not create an adult earth, complete with rocks that include a fossil record). And I can make a case for infant baptism (Acts 16:33) but I feel better about "dedicating" myself to raising my child to know the Lord, and she can be baptized when she's ready (and I pray that she will some day be ready). I really don't give one flying whoop whether you baptize by dunking or sprinkling, but moisture makes my hair frizz up so I completely understand someone wanting to use as little water as possible!
My point is, none of these issues are worth the time we spend arguing over them! The church's focus should be on outreach, not on internal squabbling and beating itself up from the inside.
I told my cousin Jim about my conclusions. His response, "Yeah, that's what happens when you start thinking theology at 3:00 in the morning, you throw out half the Apostle's Creed." Still he listened. Jim's fantastic, and he needs new lungs, so go help with whatever you can (www.jimhenrymedicaltrust.org).
So when it all boils down to it I think all that's really required to be a Christian is to believe in the first half of the Apostle's Creed. Not even the whole thing! Not that there aren't plenty of important theological issues that aren't covered here, it's just that they're not core to what it really means to be a Christian. You can come down on either side of many theological discussions and I don't think it has any impact on the core beliefs of Christianity. So what does it really mean to be a Christian?
1. I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.
Yes, this is core to Christianity. I have to believe in God, and that he made everything. Doesn't really matter HOW He made things. Whether He did it in 7 days or 7 millennia and whether He created everything as is or used some sort of directed evolutionary process doesn't matter. What matters is that He did it. That's not to say you can't believe strongly in your opinion of His methodology, but all that's core belief is that He did it and it was good.
2. I believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord.
This doesn't take any belief at all. Jesus was a historical figure, this is verifiable fact. If you're gonna believe in God the Father, then he has to be father of something, so it makes sense that Jesus is that son. There are a lot of prophecies that point toward Jesus, and that He was God's son, so it follows that if God is, then you're going to believe Jesus is His son.
He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary.
Does it really matter how Jesus was conceived? Really what does it matter whether the body that bore his human form had ever known a man? Not saying it wasn't miraculous and all, but God made the whole world, I don't really find one virgin birth that significant. Not that I don't believe in the virgin birth, I do, I just don't think that it really matters in the big scheme of things so it's not worth arguing over.
He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried.
Again, historical fact. The most miraculous thing here is that Jesus kept a good attitude through it all!
He descended to the dead. On the third day he rose again.
Doesn't matter where He was those three days. For that matter, the rising again is just a symbol of God accepting Jesus's sacrifice for our sins. What matters is that He accepted it, not how he showed that acceptance, so again even the rising from the dead is not a required belief for Christians.
3. He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
Ok, so it makes sense that Jesus is in heaven with the Father. I'm not sure it's required believing, but I think you could make a pretty good case that Jesus just hanging out in the world wouldn't be in keeping with God the Father accepting his sacrifice, so I'll give you this one.
He will come again to judge the living and the dead.
Really? It'll happen whether I believe in it or not. His judgement stands whether I believe in its validity or not. Yes, I believe He's coming, but I think it would be really self-important of me to think that my belief in His judgement has any impact whatsoever.
4. I believe in the Holy Spirit,
This goes along with God's omnipotence and omniscience. Yep, gotta believe that God is with us all the time.
the holy catholic Church,
The church exists whether I believe in it or not, and whether you call it "catholic" or just a group of Christians doesn't matter. However you can be a Christian and live as a hermit somewhere, so you don't have to actually participate in the church in any way shape or form.
the communion of saints,
I don't even know what this means. Is it that we commune with other Christians (see hermitage) That we take communion? (don't see how that's required either) I figure if I can't understand it then I can't very well claim that its belief is core to what it means to be a Christian.
5. the forgiveness of sins,
Well, this one's kind of gray to me. The whole point of Jesus's sacrifice is that it allows our sins to be forgiven. But outside of my own self-importance it doesn't really matter whether I believe that my sins are forgiven or not. What matters is does God see fit to forgive them. And I should live my life the same way whether I believe my sins are forgiven or not, because if I believe they're all forgiven what's to stop me from just going out and sinning all willy-nilly. That being said, if I didn't believe that my sins were forgiven, then I might be likely to point to one sin that I committed, throw up my hands, and give up. I don't think that's what God wants us to do, so I think it's important that He gave us hope, a reason to live on and do better. So I say forgiveness of sins is a core Christian belief if only because it allows us to start anew every day.
the resurrection of the body,
Um, this happens after I'm dead. Really I have nothing to do with it whether I have a body or not after I die. Not core.
and life everlasting.
It's nice to think that we have a reward coming for all of our believing, but really God's well within his rights to do whatever he wants with his creation at any time he wants to. Do I believe that I have a soul that will live forever? Yes. Do I believe that you HAVE to believe you have a soul that will live forever in order to be a Christian? Nope.
I look at this list, really a very short list, and I hear Christians quibbling over immersion vs. sprinkling, predestination vs. free will, wine at communion vs. te-totaling. It makes me very, very sad. Here we are claiming to love each other, and love all the people, but we can't put down our harsh words and focus on what really matters. So instead of one Christian church we have all these denominations, and the ones that are the most similar are the ones that spend the most time throwing stones!
I'm not saying I don't have beliefs about anything other than the basics. I certainly have no problem with the idea that God created the world in seven literal days (after all, if He's going to create adult people why not create an adult earth, complete with rocks that include a fossil record). And I can make a case for infant baptism (Acts 16:33) but I feel better about "dedicating" myself to raising my child to know the Lord, and she can be baptized when she's ready (and I pray that she will some day be ready). I really don't give one flying whoop whether you baptize by dunking or sprinkling, but moisture makes my hair frizz up so I completely understand someone wanting to use as little water as possible!
My point is, none of these issues are worth the time we spend arguing over them! The church's focus should be on outreach, not on internal squabbling and beating itself up from the inside.
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